MStVS
by Nikapi
Summary: Mary Sue hits Sunnydale! Warning: Excessive Strangeness.
1. Teaser

Title: Mary Sue, The Vampire Slayer  
Summary: A new slayer is in town, and she's ready to multi-task!  
Disclaimer: Unless Joss has decided to be incredibly loving and generous and give me the rights to the show and characters, then the Snoopy Gang isnt mine. I'm not sure who Mary Sue belongs to, but she's not really mine either.  
Notes: Wrote it on a dare. It's possibly the only thing in script form I'll ever write. If anyone finds it even remotely entertaining, I'll probably write out the rest of the "episode." Any feedback would be much loved!  
  


---  


  
Open Teaser  
  


It's dark. We pan up on a cemetery. A grave has been recently disturbed, as if someone's just climbed out of it. All is quiet. A filthy looking fellow comes flying onto the screen and hits the ground with a thud. He growls and his face becomes visible -- his eyes are yellow, he has fangs, and his forehead is severely misshapen. He is a vampire. As he moves to get up, someone leaps into the frame, blond hair flying. It is a petite woman, but we cannot see her face. She yanks the vampire up and delivers a few swift punches, her back to us. He cannot manage to get a hit in, and she shoves him backwards onto a tree branch, impaling him. He explodes into dust. The camera pans around low, the moves up her body slowly, dramatically, before resting on her face. She's beautiful, athletic, and every hair is in place. She's dressed in expensive clothes that seem to be remarkably clean. She's ...not Buffy;  
  


MARY SUE: Wow! The action here's loud enough to raise the dead tonight!  
  


She giggles at her own joke merrily as the camera pans again, the new height allowing us to see two figures heaped haphazardly in the background. One of the figures lurches to his feet with a groan and pulls the other, much smaller, red haired figured up. WILLOW rubs the back of her neck dazedly as XANDER looks at MARY oddly.  


  
MARY _(Cheerfully)_: You guys sure are lucky I got here in time to save you from that vampire, you could have been hurt, and I love you too much to lose you. _(She is sullen a moment)_ After that horrific, yet stunningly lacking detail, accident, when my entire family except for me died... I thought I'd never be close to anyone again. _(Cheerful again)_ But here we are!  


  
XANDER and WILLOW glance at each other uncertainly. WILLOW nervously shifts   
the stake in her hand.  


  
XANDER: Yeah, um, listen..  
  
MARY: Of course, you shouldn't be out here anyway. It's very dangerous. You could be killed. Or hurt! Or something equally unpleasant.  
  
WILLOW: No, we wouldn't want that, but, um..  
  
XANDER: What Willow's trying to say, I think, is...  
  
MARY: Oh, you don't need to thank me! I'm your best friend, it's what I do!  
  
WILLOW (Startled): Best Fri - Ok, are you another robot? 'Cause, we've had a lot of those running around lately, doing all sorts of things I'd really rather not remember, and...  
  
XANDER: Not to get cliche here, but who are you, and what have you done with Buffy?  
  
MARY _(Confused - She speaks very, very quickly)_: Buffy? Xander, Willow, I don't know what your talking about! It's me! Mary Sue! Fighter of evil, defended of justice, the chosen one, the slayer, your very best friend, valedictorian, future nobel peace prize winner, all around - Oh, I get it! _(Merrily)_ You're playing with me! You guys are so funny! But we shouldn't dilly-daddle. I mean, gee, Giles is going to worry if we aren't back soon.  


  
She flashes them a bright smile, turns, and flounces off, presumably to Giles'. WILLOW and   
XANDER are left standing there, staring after her in confusion.  
  


WILLOW: Was that a friend of yours?  
  
XANDER: Not one that I'm aware of.  
  
WILLOW: Okay..that was..  
  
XANDER: Yeah. _(Beat)_ People still say 'Gee'?  
  
CUE wolf howl; CUE theme song; CUE credits.  


  
Mary Sue, The Vampire Slayer!  


  


CUT TO MARY battles a vampire. CUT TO MARY flips her hair over her shoulder. CUT TO MARY does a little dance at the Bronze with FAITH. CUT TO XANDER says something snarky. CUT TO XANDER does the snoopy dance. CUT TO XANDER looks distinctly uncomfortable as MARY does a sexy dance with him. CUT TO WILLOW does a spell with TARA. CUT TO WILLOW bobs her head adorably. CUT TO Willow gives GILES a pained look as MARY chatters. CUT TO GILES polishes his glasses. CUT TO GILES makes an 'ah-ha!' gesture. CUT TO GILES pointedly ignores MARY. CUT TO The gang stares longingly at a picture of BUFFY. CUT TO Sweeping shot of MARY fighting as the gang looks disinterested.  
  


End Teaser  



	2. Part One

Open Part One  


THE MAGIC BOX; night -- a few minutes later.  
  


GILES shelves some items as ANYA amuses herself with the  
cash register. The door opens and MARY enters, dropping her bag of weapons on the counter with a thud, unzipping it. GILES looks somewhere between perplexed and wary, Anya just looks annoyed.  
  


ANYA: You're going to break the counter!  
  
MARY: Sorry Anya. How's the money?  
  
ANYA: Good! Thanks for - Hey! Your one of those sex things.  
  
MARY: I am not! I'm Mary Sue, th -  
  


XANDER and WILLOW come bursting in, out of breath.  


  
XANDER: Giles! She..with the..and Buffy - gone! And with the stakes...  
  
MARY: Xander, you're so excitable. Just like when we met and -  
  
WILLOW: What, five minutes ago?  
  
GILES: Could someone just -  
  
MARY: You skated into that pole when you saw me because you were taken aback by my beauty and   
you thought I didn't see you but _(giggles)_ I did, it was really very charming.  
  
GILES _(at the same time as ANYA)_: If someone would be so kind as to explain -  
  
ANYA_ (at the same time as GILES)_: I thought you skated into a pole when you met Buffy.  
  
MARY: Who's this Buffy you guys keep talking about?  
  
XANDER: I ... but how did you ... I mean, Willow wasn't even ...  
  


WILLOW gives XANDER a reassuring pat on the shoulder, and he collapses into a chair, confused  
and staring at MARY  
  


WILLOW: Giles, can I talk to you in the back for a second?  


  
GILES takes off his glasses and cleans them, pinching the bridge of his nose.  


  
GILES: Please.  
  
They leave. XANDER snaps out of it, looking at the pair in horror.  
  
XANDER: You've leaving me with her?  
  
MARY: Xander, that isn't a very nice way to talk about Anya.  
  
XANDER: I wasn't talking about Anya!  
  


MARY blinks at him, blankly. She doesn't get it.  


  
ANYA: Are you sure you aren't a sexbot?_ (To XANDER)_ She better not be your sexbot.  
  
XANDER: Oh, I am in hell.  
  


THE TRAINING ROOM of the Magic Box  


  
GILES: So she just...  
  
WILLOW: Appeared. Xander and I were tossed over this headstone, and when we stood up -- poof! -- freaky blond girl.  
  
GILES: And you dont know what happened to Buffy.  
  
WILLOW: Not even a little tiny clue. At first I thought maybe Glory was doing..something..but, I cant think of why o-or how. Unless this is like Chinese Water Torture, and that's always pretty unpleasant.  
  
GILES: Slow insanity induced by..uh..  
  
WILLOW: Mary Sue.  
  
GILES: Mary Sue. _(He glances over towards the front of the shop. MARY is visible chattering animatedly to XANDER, who looks miserable)_ I wouldn't rule that out just yet, actually.  
  
WILLOW: Is she, y'know, evil?  
  
XANDER _(Offscreen)_: Help me..Someone, anyone, please..Tara! Tara, my favorite friend..  
  


WILLOW gives GILES a pained look and rushes back towards the front room. MARY is rambling on and on about nothing in particular, her voice because inaudible as XANDER tries to herd ANYA and the recently arrived TARA towards the door.  
  


TARA: Um..Willow, what's..  
  
XANDER: Less talking, more leaving, lets go..  
  
ANYA _(Matter-of-factly)_: You're very unnerving.  
  


MARY stops talking long enough to flash ANYA a winning smile; she's taken it as a compliment.  
ANYA just looks at her, and then leaves.  


  
TARA: We're going to go back to Xander's and..um..  
  
XANDER: Do anything but this.  
  
TARA: Yeah. W-Willow?  
  


WILLOW glances to GILES, who is studying MARY. He doesn't seem to register that he's being abandoned yet.  
  


WILLOW: Yeah, I'm coming.  
  


She grabs her coat the is hustled out the door by XANDER. TARA leaves, and XANDER gives  
GILES one last look.  


  
XANDER: If she gets scary, call us, we'll come with weapons.  
  
GILES: What? Oh! What, wait, are you suggesting I stay here with her alone?  
  
XANDER: Pretty much.  


  
He leaves before GILES can object. As the door closes, we can overhear:  


  
MARY: Giles! I'm glad were alone, we haven't really talked lately.  
  
GILES: Oh, good Lord. Xander!


End file.
